I am absolutely gleeful this week. While I have been off the dating merry-go-round for a year now, now that I’m married, I never have to endure Dating Hell again.
Let me admit, and I don’t think it’s a big secret here, I’ve hated dating my entire life. I like to blame it on my high school, where there was no such thing as dating. If you asked someone out once, you were going steady. That was the way it was. No casual dating for you.
Small wonder why I never perfected the idea of dating someone in the traditional sense. It’s still something of a mystery to me.
First, it’s awkward as can be. It’s like going to a job interview where if you’re picked, you may get a kiss at the door or perhaps even more. If the interview doesn’t go well, you’re stuck with the bill and you wonder what was wrong with you for the next week or so.
I think it’s pretty fair to compare dating to a job interview. Assuming you’ve met online, texted or talked on the phone, you’ve already started the interview process. In fact, you may have already covered such things as what you do for a living, where you live, and even what you want to do when you grow up (I never could answer that question by the way).
If all went well, you got a second interview, um, date. This one is usually in person. Most often it doesn’t take place in an office, though I’ve heard about interviews that went so well in the office that sex unexpectedly broke out on a desk, floor or copier.
With me, this face-to-face interview date was typically at a restaurant, perhaps a park, occasionally shopping. At times, spontaneous food ordering would begin regardless of the original plan, and an already awkward interview turned into an equally awkward dinner date.
I’m not exactly sure where that line is crossed, going from a simple interview to an actual dinner date with all its mystic rules that I have never understood.
I did learn, however, when to spot a date that was on the skids, one that progressed from interview to date, then went mysteriously back to the interview portion of the evening with no chance of being hired, even for a few make out minutes in the parking lot.
So, for all those still stuck in Dating Hell, here are some helpful tips I have learned from my own dating efforts that will let you know when it’s time to cut and run:
1. She orders the surf and turf, takes two bites and says she’s full. Of course, you can’t ask for a doggy bag or you look cheap. You just have to eat the cost and suck it up.
2. He has anger issues on a first date. One is supposed to be on his or her best behavior and if he ends up yelling at the valet, the waiter, the chef or you, he’s probably not going to end up being the nice guy you’re looking for. Unless of course, you don’t want a nice guy.
3. She is delightful in messaging but dull as a beige ceiling on your date. I’ve had this one happen. Click, click, sizzle, sizzle in online repartee. Then awkward silence, glances around the room and a curt goodnight.
4. She starts to say goodnight, then manhandles you at the car as you say goodbye. This is the old Jekyll and Hyde thing, and again, it’s not going to get any better.
5. He wants you to pay for the date. In the old days this was easy. A guy asked you out and he paid for the date. Easy. Nowadays, it’s not so easy. I’ve had a woman ask me out, she even picked the restaurant, and then sat there when the bill came, waiting and waiting until I finally picked up the check. No, there wasn’t a second date.
6. She wants you to pay for all your dates. I think there’s some rule regarding this, but at some point you have to agree to go dutch or do an “I pay/you pay” kind of thing. I had one date that had a secret rule that you had to pay for three dates before she would ante up, but didn’t bother telling you about the rule. You just got the pleasure and surprise of finding out you blew it after the third date that you were supposed to pay for. Looking back, I should have made her pay for the second date so there wouldn’t have been a third.
7. Either one of you starts talking about your medical history. Yes, we’re all getting older, but do you really care if his lumbago is acting up or she hasn’t gone to the bathroom in three days? I definitely don’t want to hear about your sexual diseases (well, not this early on) or who gave them to you.
8. You talk about who really stuck it to you. Bringing up an old love is really a sucker punch. Let’s face it, you’re not over them yet. Don’t go out on a date. Sit at home, listen to sad love songs, drink yourself into a stuper and realize that it wasn’t really your fault after all that she is now a he.
9. She asks you if that’s really your car. Yes, that has happened before. I’m not really into cars and I’m not really into women who are into cars. I drive what I drive, it gets me from point A to point B consistently, and with any luck, it’s never going to point C, i.e., the car lover’s house.
10. He says he’s not very good at dating or that he hasn’t had a date in a long time. Leave now! He’s a total dweeb. Unless he says he is a computer geek and works at Amazon or Apple, then marry him immediately. You will never starve or lose your data when your hard drive unexpectedly seizes. Plus he’ll be happy to defrag you gleefully morning, noon or night.
And there you have it. Some of my sage advice about the dating world. I’m not going to be needing any of these lessons learned any longer. Quite frankly, they weren’t very useful to me anyways. Oh, the stories I could tell. Wait, I do tell the stories all the time.
Maybe that’s why I was never a good date. They would always be afraid I’d write about them somewhere down the road.
In the Emerald City, wondering which one to write about next,
– Robb