I have been swimming upstream for many years. Judging by some of the posts on Facebook, it appears I’ve been in good company, too. There have indeed been times when I have walked down that very dark road, using humor to cover my pain, bitching about the hand that was dealt me as if none of it was my choice, and playing the perfect victim in life.
It was all nonsense, of course. It was also easy. It’s so simple to blame everyone else for your troubles – your parents, your siblings, your boss, your friends, your lover. And it’s really hard to look in the mirror because it’s then that you realize that you only have yourself to blame for the way your life turned out.
Case in point. If I had swallowed my pride years ago and simply threw in the towel 10 years ago, I would have returned to the work-a-day world of corporate life instead of living the “envious” life of an entrepreneur. Instead of living hand to mouth at times, I would probably be making six figures easily today and have a nice nest egg waiting for me in a few years.
I could blame others for all this. My ex business partners, my chintzy clients, my bad business decisions, etc., etc., etc. But it was my decision all along. All those times when receivables lagged way behind and I had to struggle to pay the bills and feed my family, it was because of me, not them.
Somewhere along the way, I managed to make a few decisions that were the best I ever made. For instance, I admitted to myself recently that my time in Florida while fun, was for naught. I never belonged there, my life was a total turd in the Sunshine State and I should have come home years ago.
When I finally did go home, all the pieces of my life started to fall into place, as if they were waiting for me to come to my senses. This single act, moving from there to here, put the universe’s tumblers into motion, from finding my job with the state to renewing old acquaintances.
I actually saw these universe-al tumblers begin their realignment process. It was on the beach in Ocean Shores last January. Kat and I had snuck out to the beach for some “us” time. It was a crystal clear night, unusual for that time of the year. As we walked we saw a shooting star streak across the sky. Click. Universe in motion.
It continues to this day. Everything in our respective lives, along with the lives of many of those that we are connected to through blood, love or friendship, is changing.
For the better, too.
Kat and I are getting married next January, 1.23 to be exact. In preparation for that event she and Talia are moving in to our house here in Shoreline next week. I have made peace with my old Seafair Pirate gang to the point where we can joke about the book I wrote and that they obviously bought the other copy I sold :). And my brother Jeff and I spoke for the first time in 32 years.
Yes, you read right. The universe realigned so my brother and I could build a door in that huge wall we built years ago, step through it, and speak for the first time in more than three decades, even joking about my famous choice of a mate in Florida and how glad he was that we didn’t procreate. Who would have guessed?
It’s funny what happens when you open your heart to love, welcome everything the universe wants to send your way – the good and the bad – and stop telling yourself all the stories that once sustained you in a world decorated with disappointment, dead ends, sadness, unhappiness and false blame.
I wished I had learned this lesson earlier. But if Facebook is any indicator, I seem to have been in good company. I used to think that loving myself was the secret. While loving yourself is great and very important, love only starts paying off when it is spread far and wide beyond your own borders. That is when your universe begins to truly change, as the tumblers turn to match the new reality that you are sending out more love into the world than you’re expecting in return.
Ah, that whacky universe of ours. So many times in my past I thought it was lifeless, evil or unfulfilling. It took all these years to finally figure out that the secret to unlocking a world of joy and happiness is to love unconditionally, accept everyone as they are, and learn that forgiveness, true forgiveness, ultimately sets you free.
Sadly, I still see others battle this in their lives. They feel that so-and-so wronged them and they embrace it, and live it out every single day. They are still entangled by their failed relationship, flawed friendship or their poor career choices. I get it; I’ve been there. Some could even say I wrote the book on it. 😉
And no, I don’t have any idea what the future will hold, how the tumblers will align in the days, months and years to come. I’m only glad that I’ve given up trying to figure out the combination. I don’t really want to force the tumblers to align or even watch them try. I’m pretty good with just letting the universe do its thing, going with the flow, influencing what little I can, and enjoying the ride in the meantime.
Hopefully, others will find their own universe changing. They’ll find the peace, love, acceptance, forgiveness and happiness they’ve always wanted, just by opening their heart and mind, figuring out that while we are rarely able to control the world around us, we can control how we react to it. As H. Jackson Brown, Jr. once said, “When you can’t change the direction of the wind – adjust your sails.”
In the Emerald City, spinnaker out, running with the wind the universe is sending my way,
– Robb