It’s funny how our past likes to screw up our present and shade our future. I never really understood how much, until I finally came to terms with the fact that sometimes life is damned unfair, and at times, even completely miserable.
I have certainly had extended periods in my life when I was unhappy and miserable. I can safely say that I probably reveled in it more than I should have. That’s part of the curse of being a writer; you can use the proverbial pen to spill all the injustices of life onto paper, either in the guise of your characters or as self therapy, as RobZerrvations have been over the years.
As you’ve probably noticed, the tone of these have taken a decidedly different tone in recent months. Some would say it’s because of Kat, and they would be correct, at least in part. I have finally found happiness, but the source of it extends far beyond the borders of our relationship.
It actually extends into my past. Bear with me now as I briefly revisit all the misery I have experienced in the past, almost all of it my doing. For me, these included broken relationships, failed marriages, dead end jobs, occasional homelessness, being a paycheck away from being penniless and the general poor choices in friends, spouses, mates and associates.
Oh sure, I could be like others I know, blaming everyone else for the circumstances that collectively make up our life. And I did or a long time. After all, the people who didn’t believe in me, the ones who wronged me, the people who didn’t hire me for what I thought was the perfect job, the loves of my life who cast me aside, breaking my heart, were the perfect scapegoats.
But there came a point in my life when I realized that it wasn’t anyone’s fault but mine. Ultimately, we are responsible for our own lives and our own choices. How others respond to our choices is not in our sphere of influence at all; even if we are a complete control freak we can’t make others magically bend to our will.
And yet we love to place blame, largely because it’s far easier to blame others than to blame ourselves. It’s easier to find fault in others than to find fault within. Yet, that is where it all exists, and only we can right it.
How? Forgiveness.
Until a few years ago, I mistakenly thought others were damned lucky if they could earn my forgiveness. I thought of it as a gift, something to be bestowed.
Two things were wrong with this. First, it was extremely judgmental. It places blame everywhere but where the blame may really belong. Second, it requires that someone accept your apology. They have to respond to the “offer.”
They don’t. One of the great lessons to learn in life is that forgiveness is for you, not someone else. The act of forgiveness requires no one to respond. It is indeed a gift, but a gift to you and no one else.
After all these years, I was finally able to forgive myself for everything that has happened in my life. I somehow managed to find this secret about forgiveness and give myself the peace I needed to move forward, rather than live in a wrongful, hurtful and unfulfilling past.
I learned some of this from that three-day workshop I went through last December. Yes, it was a bit cultish, but some of the tools I learned there continue to drive me now. One of the basic tenets is that you only get this moment, right now. You can’t change the past, you can’t really affect the future. You can only influence the moment you’re in, a fleeting blink of an eye, followed by another, then another, and then another.
That is your life, a series of moments. Once you discover the capacity to forgive yourself in this moment, truly forgive yourself, you become so amazingly free. All the labels that you lived with – you’re a loser, you don’t deserve a great relationship, you’re not talented, you’re not beautiful, etc. – are washed away in a single act of honest forgiveness.
That is what has changed in my life. Yes, my relationship is pretty wonderful right now, but only because the past no longer haunts me. I am no longer the sum of what happened five years ago, or 10 or 20 or even 30. I am the sum of what I am right now, which will be added to what I will be in the next moment.
All those stories we tell ourselves about our past are just that, stories. They allow us to live a lie about our life, that others are somehow responsible for our happiness, that others need to forgive us, and that we have no power over what our life is or is to become.
Saying “I forgive you” to yourself and truly meaning it, is like lifting tons of weight off your shoulders. It is so freeing that you suddenly find that all those memories that haunted you so, become shades of gray.
If you don’t believe me, I will tell you a quick story (as if this whole thing weren’t a quick story). A few days ago, as the TV played in our bedroom, it went to screensaver mode. Up came a bunch of photos of my many exploits. One of them was of my ex and I. Kat said something to the effect of, “Wow, she does know how to smile.” I said, “Who?” I didn’t even see Michelle in the photo. She, along with the rest of my past, had become non-descript shades of gray. Where there once a story filled with resentment and rage, there was nothing.
I had found true forgiveness. Not of my ex, but of me. I had finally forgiven myself for all the stupid choices I had made, including running off to Florida 10 years ago. It gave me a peace I have never known, but could have had at any time, if I had only known the secret of forgiveness.
The truth is said to set you free, but forgiveness, true forgiveness, is what truly sets you free from your past.
In the Emerald City, enjoying a life without a judgmental past,
– Robb