I don’t go to the movies anymore. And there’s a reason for that. Somewhere, somehow, DC and Marvel have taken over movie theaters and I have no interest in any of their movies.
Don’t believe me? Here’s a list:
2015: Avengers: Age of Ultron, Ant-Man, Fantastic Four
2016: Deadpool, Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice, Captain America: Civil War, X-Men: Apocalypse, Suicide Squad, Gambit, Doctor Strange
2017: Untitled Wolverine sequel, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Fantastic Four 2, Wonder Woman, Marvel Studios co-produced Spider-Man film, Thor: Ragnarok, Justice League, Part 1
2018: The Flash, Avengers: Infinity War, Part 1, Black Panther, Untitled Fox Mystery Marvel film, Aquaman, Captain Marvel
2019: Shazam, Avengers: Infinity War, Part 2, Justice League, Part 2, Inhumans
2020: Cyborg, Green Lantern
See? I’m not making this up. The studios have gotten so used to raping our pockets that they even have movies slated to be released that don’t even have titles right now. They could call the untitled Fox Mystery Marvel film slated for 2018 release “Captain Marvel Craps His Pants” and people will pay good money to see it.
I hate to ruin the endings for all these movies, but here’s how they will all go:
Super hero is innocently minding his own business. He/she may even be retired, married, whatever. He/she will be called into action because of some unexpected, superhuman evil in the world. He/she will be reluctant to take it on, but then will feel his/her duty, he/she will face their fear or maybe even death, miraculously they will escape at the last minute and vanquish the foe, unless there is a sequel planned. Somewhere during the film a love interest will be involved, they will face a personal crisis, they will utilize some kind of superpower or technology and the villain will always lose in the end, unless, again, there is a sequel.
See how easy this all is? Go ahead and write your own. I’ll give you a couple minutes to pen the next Marvel/DC masterpiece.
Take Ant-Man, for instance. I saw the trailer. Two seconds in I said, “Oh, it’s Iron Man with a different helmet so he looks more like an ant. All the villain has to do is grab a giant can of Raid and he’s a goner. Or lure him to his demise with a Madison Square Garden sized cube of sugar.”
Have we really gotten that sad at storytelling that all we have to look forward to is s five years of movies about comic book characters?
Now, don’t get me wrong. I liked Guardians of the Galaxy. But was it really Star Wars Episode Four or Raiders of the Lost Ark, or even ET? I think it was far better than Val Kilmer’s Batman but not up there with George Clooney’s Batman. And really, Batman’s about the coolest guy if only because he has no superpowers at all, only a bat utility belt that always has just what he seems to need at the moment, even though it’s a very svelt belt (my personal favorite – the anti-shark repellant).
O.K., so some of these other guys have cool technology, too. But I still can’t get interested in a story that is virtually identical. I swear I could fall asleep for five minutes in any of these upcoming films, they could swap the reels, and I would not even know that there was a new guy on the screen or that they changed villains.
I can hear the Marvel and DC fans rising up in a chorus of jeers right now. “Oh, there’s big differences, man. You just aren’t clued in to the whole culture of comic book heroes.”
You’re right. And I don’t want to be. Not because they are superheroes, per se. I grew up with Superman and Batman on TV, and later the Green Hornet, with Seattle star Bruce Lee as Kato.
I went through my comic book phase at one time, too. I never really gravitated to the superhero genre, largely because it was always the same – superhero overcomes impossible odds to restore good in the face of evil’s triumph. Every month there was a new villain who somehow either escaped from prison or was paroled (for good behavior). Or they somehow survived that certain death in the last series that wasn’t so certain at all because, well, that particular storyline sold so well that he/she had to be brought back from the dead.
Take Superman. They killed him off. He’s dead. How super was he to begin with then? Someone killed him off and didn’t even use Kryptonite.
But they didn’t really? Of course not! They brought him back to life using the ever so convenient regeneration matrix found in the Fortress of Solitude. Of course! (slapping forehead) – the Fortress of Solitude. How could have anyone have forgotten about the Fortress of Solitude!
Give me a break, people. That’s like Kindergarten storytelling 101, the remedial class. When you run up against a brick wall, create something that is entirely implausible to salvage an already implausible situation.
And that’s what these movies are – strings of implausibility stitched together by green screen acting and gigabytes of CGI effects. The actors don’t even really need to show up for these movies anymore. They can just phone it in. Don a special effects suit in their house, stand in front of a green screen by the pool, recite their lines and make bank. The CGI guys can just import their head onto any minimum wage backlot stooge and let him run around the emptiness of the green screen set in the studio instead.
When they finally yell cut, Ironman stand-in guy can go put on his Ant-Man suit and run around again. Ten to one he wouldn’t even need to change the suit part as people wouldn’t even know the difference, except those nut jobs who torture over every detail of these production line nightmares and would notice that the fifth stitch on Ant-Man’s collar matched the fifth stitch in Ironman and start posting conspiracy theories.
It is a conspiracy folks! A conspiracy to take your money, dumb down your brain, force feed you unoriginal and even bad stories, and leave you wanting more.
And not to worry, they already have five years of spoon feeding in the pipeline. No wonder the zombies are starving – they are running out of functioning brains to eat because of all the superhero drivel on the silver screen. Poor zombies. Poor us.
In the Emerald City, thinking about watching a real story tonight, like Casablanca,
– Robb