I’ve had an epiphany of sorts. Somewhere, somehow, over the course of the last year, my life is no longer all about me.
Yes, you read right. I guess some people figured this out eons ago. They didn’t have to go through much of their life thinking mostly about themselves. Not in a bad way, mind you. I have certainly had my periods of being self-centered, offset with times when I never put my own needs before anything or anyone, largely because the people I was surrounded with didn’t want to put my needs first, second, third, win, place or show.
That, of course, is my fault. I just made some bad decisions. They looked good at the time, I guess. But they just weren’t fully baked yet. All the angles weren’t evident, largely because I was thinking only of myself at the time and did a little rainbow chasing.
There’s a fundamental problem with rainbows. They eventually fade away and you’re left with nothing. I should have at least chased dreams, for dreams never fade on their own, they are always there, ready for you when you’re ready to pursue them.
I never really thought that my own dreams would lead me to put my own needs second. Before my oldest friends jump on my case, let me say that no one has asked me to do so and no one has guilted me into it. It just sort of happened.
I have a niggling feeling that it has something to do with finally being in real love. I don’t really think of my own needs much. Kat and our new family is everything to me.
I’ve heard others utter such nonsense before. Well, it sounded like nonsense, because I never put others before me. It was always about me somewhere, except when I was forbidden to think of me, which only caused me to plan an eventual exit strategy.
This is really the first time in my life that I don’t have an exit strategy. It just seems natural to make Kat and our kids and even friends a priority in my life. I’ve had others ask me to do this in the past, but to no avail. Ultimately, I only thought about me, often in secret when the lights were off and no one was noticing that I was doing what I was told not to do.
I only started to notice this over the last few days. Kat and I have been doing what married couples do I guess, combining stuff like insurance and bank accounts. In my need to always have a backup plan, I have always made it a practice to look like I am playing well with others, but always hold something back – a key login, a secret bank account, a credit card I only had access to.
But all this nonsense has fallen by the wayside. If something tragic would happen to me, I want to make sure that Kat and the kids don’t have to freak out about money, insurance or keeping a roof over her head. So I am actually being forthright about all of our finances. Oh, sure, I still have my own bank account, and she has her own too. After all, it’s really hard to surprise someone with an unexpected gift when it comes out of the same checking account.
But the other stuff? It’s a no brainer. I know that Kat may think it is, because I keep looking at her with this deer in the headlights look. It’s not because I am doing this, but because I am doing it without being told or guilted. I am doing it freely of my own accord, because it just seems right.
Am I out of my mind? Is this really the Robb everyone has come to love and some to despise? Gadzooks, has he gone mad again?
The answer is no. My needs are being met quite well, thank you. I don’t have to meet them all myself, because Kat’s meeting them. For her, it’s all about me, and for me, it’s all about her. Yes, we have our own specific needs to tend to, but we are watching out for each other, from our morning check ins via Messenger to the moment we say goodnight. We have one another’s back and that’s pretty new for me.
I once had a relationship fall apart at the seams because I was asked if I could make that person a priority once. Not always, just occasionally. I stood there, silent. I couldn’t honestly do that.
Well, I am very proud to say, now I can. I can even go so far to say that Kat is the first person I would every take a bullet for. Now don’t go out of your way to test that theory, it is after all, somewhat philosophical. But I really can’t imagine being in a world without her, something I’ve never thought I would be able to say.
I always had an escape plan. Sometimes I even had someone in the shadows waiting to take me on as their next pet project. And I always held something back, whether it was part of who I am or a secret something or other, something that I knew in the back of my mind would always lead me out of the darkness and back into the shining lift of me, me, me!
Me, me, no. No longer. I think I’ve finally seen the light and it isn’t shining on me all the time. It’s a very strange place to be, largely because I wish I had discovered what this was all about long ago.
It’s like driving down a long desert road all your life, turning the wheel a little to the left or right. One day you discover that you can turn it 90 degrees and head down a different road completely, one you never knew was there.
I don’t know where I’m going, but I can safely say that I am enjoying the scenery.
In the Emerald City, taking my hands off the wheel now and then just for the thrill,
– Robb