I never thought I’d live long enough to see the day when our once adrenaline and testosterone infused country would become a society of wusses. But there it is, right before my very eyes – the downfall of our society – the Nissan LEAF.
I remember back in the day when families all over this country coveted cars with really cool names. They were downright bitchin’: Barracuda, Firebird, Cutlass, Thunderbird — the list goes on. They were the epitome of what it was like to be an American… stylish, in your face, sheet metal wonders that made us all feel like the Kings of the World, or at least the road.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we’re excited about a LEAF. That’s right, the car is named after something that most of us in the northern states despise. Those things that every Fall, waft down from hundreds of deciduous trees onto our nice green lawns and worse, into our gutters. There, they begin to rot… to the point where we must go out and rake them up, usually in the bitter cold. Thousands of the little bastards.
Why someone would want a LEAF is beyond me. I know it’s a cutesy marketing acronym for “Leading, Environmentally-friendly, Affordable, Family car). Let’s forget for a moment that Environmentally-friendly is really two words, and that this car should be a LEFAFC instead.
What it really is, is CRAP. It is the de-masculization of America. Instead of driving testaments to American engineering and innovation, we’re being told now that it’s hip to drive something that like its namesake, predictably should die every Fall.
I for one do not look forward to the prospect of finding hundreds, perhaps thousands of LEAFS lying on my lawn on a crisp fall afternoon. I don’t have that big of rake.
Now, don’t think for a moment that I’ve ever had a really cool car, or even one with a cool name. Yes, my mother let me drive the family car, a Mustang, but it was a Mustang II and we know what a wonder of gutlessness that was.
My first car was a Le Mans. It cost me $150 and leaned to the left because a really big girl owned it. I then moved on to a Ford LTD station wagon for $400, followed by a Pinto, a Chevelle and an Accord. These were followed by a Trooper II, Grand Am, Caravan, Taurus wagon, Windstar and finally, a Saturn VUE.
As you can see, I don’t really get cool cars. They are more practical. Looking back at this list I seem to favor cars that haul a lot of stuff. And since I’ve moved 20 times in my life, including shuffling off to Florida in the dead of night, I can see that my choice of car fits at any point in time fit my lifestyle to a tee. When I was content, a compact would do. But as I became less happy in my situation I seemed to end up with a bigger vehicle. Once it hit van size I was hitting the road with everything I could pack into it.
Right now, I have a VUE. I call it the Black Widow, given its origins. It wasn’t my car, you see. I didn’t pick it. The ex-whatever did. I gave my spacious van to my friend Mike after moving all my worldly possessions to Florida. I was happily married at the time, or at least I thought I was, and figured I didn’t need a van any more.
But in the end, I got the VUE, as if it were a consolation prize behind Door #2 on Let’s Make a Deal. It’s the very epitome of a cheap car – even the doors, bumpers and hood are plastic. I could have probably made one out of my spare model parts in the other room if I had the time.
I may sound like I’m bitching, but I’m not. Why? Sure, Saturn went out of business and once again I’m stuck with a car that was made by a company that is no longer there. It joins the ranks of my Isuzu Trooper and my Daewoo WhateverItWas.
But at least it’s not a LEAF. Where do they get these names? Why are marketing people so lazy? Did someone forget to buy them a thesaurus or dictionary? Did they ever realize that some guy in a biker bar somewhere, someday, is going to get the ever-living crap beat out of him because he mentions that he drives a LEAF.
“What kind of ride you got, son?”
“A LEAF!”
(Laughter)
“Are you some kind of sissy boy? We don’t like sissy boys around here!”
(Lots of punching sounds)
But it gets better! Nissan has come up with a real doozie of a marketing campaign for the LEAF. Ready for this? And I am not making this up.
Their entire campaign is built around the slogan:
Because zero is worth everything.
Now, I know I was a New Math dropout, but even I know that zero is worth nothing. It’s zero. There’s no way to hide that fact.
The car certainly doesn’t cost zero. It’s $32,780. At least they put a zero on the end of the price tag to drive their witty advertising slogan home. Wow! That must have taken some time to run up the old flagpole and see who salutes it.
What do I get for that much money? A car that goes 100 miles. Ah, there’s those witty zeros again. Where I live that won’t get me to the airport. It will peter out about nine miles short of the parking garage.
We have managed to build spaceships that can go to other galaxies but I can’t make it to the airport on a single charge, let alone make it back. And somehow I am supposed to get excited about that.
It took a bit of research to find it, but the LEAF has a couple more zeros for you. To have a LEAF, you need a home charging dock. That’s another $2,000.00 plus the cost to have an electrician install it.
And don’t even add in the cost of the extra car you’ll need when you want to go 101 miles. Or the batteries when they need to be replaced, which will run you $10,000 to $15,000 before the odometer hits 100,000 miles. I know, a lot more zeros.
Maybe Nissan’s “Zero is worth everything” is pretty appropriate after all, as in “worth everything you have in your bank account.”
I know, I’m, a bit of curmudgeon about all the hype going on here for electric cars. Sorry, I just don’t get it. It’s like getting excited back in the good old days because a car only got 32 miles to the gallon. What? They still only get that? Man, we’re really screwed, aren’t we?
Out here on the Treasure Coast going nowhere fast without a LEAF or a Leaf Blower,
– Robb