I have a list. I’m sure I’m on other people’s lists as well. But more than likely not the one I’m talking about.
I think The List started about 17 years ago. It was one of my ex-whatever’s ideas. She casually mentioned it one day. Some actor, and the passage of time has caused his name to escape me, was in a movie we were watching.
Without notice, she blurted out, He’s on my List.
“What do you mean, he’s on your List?” And then she explained it to me.
The List is a roster of people who, if they knocked on your door right now and wanted to have their way with you right then and there with no repercussions, you’d welcome them in. That, my friends, is The List.
I don’t know if everyone has a List. I didn’t up until that time. I do know that my last ex-whatever wouldn’t let me have The List. I’m not sure why. All I knew was that the List was verboten to speak about in our hallowed home. I still had The List, of course. I just never mentioned it Why would I ever not have it?
It reappeared last night. The List was back. There was a jewelry commercial on TV and in it was the top of my List, Jane Seymour. I’ve had a thing about her since “Somewhere in Time,” you know that movie where playwright Christopher Reeves travels back in time to be with her. She could knock on my door anytime and even with repercussions, I would let her have her way with me without a second thought.
I know, I’m bending the rules a bit on The List with Jane. The encounter can’t have repercussions. There are others on my List. Actually, I have two Lists. Hey, Gemini, I can do that.
On the one is actresses and on the other are singers. With the singers, we there doesn’t need to be any, shall I say, passionate encounters involved. They could just sing to me instead and I would probably just die right then and there. At the top of that List is Linda Ronstadt. Again, always been there. And while she’s aged over the years, her voice is just as hot to me as when she was in on stage in her fetching Boy Scout togs.
Let’s see, who else is on The List? I can’t recall them all because well, as I said, The List was suppressed for about five years. I think it’s because that particular person was never on The List, even when she was still unattainable. But again, you can’t have someone you know, let alone living with, married to or sleeping with, on The List. It’s not in the rules. And yes, now and then, when they are convenient to me, I follow the rules.
Oh, Meg Ryan is on The List, or should I say, was. She’s not looking as great these days. Victoria Stillwell, the dog whisperer is on The List. So is Sandra Bullock… the ultimate girl next door. I don’t think her visit would be about romance or sex, though. I think we’d end up laughing hysterically all night long over a bottle of wine.
Now, I have to say, I’m not shallow enough to bag on Meg just because her facelifts didn’t work out too well. After all, Linda’s on my List and she’s put on a pound or two or five over the years. I’m not as young or thin as I once was either, and I’m not that shallow so as not to adjust The List for the realities of my fantasy. It’s only that Meg purely made it on the List for her performances in “Innerspace” and “Sleepless in Seattle.” I may have just fallen for her in specific roles, not overall. Hence, her being bumped from The List.
My List is very odd. None of them are there for beauty or sex appeal. My List has none of the so-called sex pots on it, though if Marilyn was still around I’d have to put her on there.
But, you can’t put dead people on The List. That just wouldn’t be right. As I said, there are rules here that must be obeyed. If someone could conceivably knock on your door and want you right then and there, then they can’t be on The List. They have to be, at least in theory, unattainable (and alive).
I know, who would have thought that a fantasy like The List could have so many bloody rules to it. But without them, The List would fall into chaos and any and all comers could be placed on it, giving you a passkey to misbehavior.
I can see it now.
“What was Diane doing here?” your significant other would say.
“She was on The List. I couldn’t help myself.”
“She lives next door, Robb. Is every woman in this building on your List?”
See, chaos. The beginnings of the breakdown of the very fabric of our society as we know it. Everyone would have “attainables” on their List. Marriages would end, relationships would be over and we’d be all alone, waiting for that knock on the door that will never come.
This does create a bit of a problem, however. As I was reconsidering my List, I wondered how the rules would apply if Jane Seymour were to move into my condo here on the Treasure Coast. Does she fall under the original List rules or is she off The List because she’s now next door and potentially, however unlikely, attainable.
I think I might have to turn to the officials for a clarification on this. I would hate to have to take Jane off The List.
Wait, I could move, couldn’t I?
Out on the Treasure Coast… sorry, got to go, someone’s at the door,
– Robb