My brain always seems to be going somewhere. Often it’s a dead end. But last night, as I dined on the deck, the thought struck me that the only reason I’m still not dwelling in a cave is because of two men.
Not two specific men, mind you. Just two men. For I have decided that all major progress in this civilization is because of two men who had gotten together and made history.
Now, I know my women friends are boiling over right now, fomenting with anger because women have contributed a lot to our world, too. But once I explain how it takes two men to make true advances, I think you’ll agree with me.
As anyone knows, one man doesn’t amount to much. But two men together can make magic. That’s because one man can goad the other man into doing just about anything imaginable. The need to be the alpha male is just too strong.
Case in point. It had to be two men that first decided that any vegetable or fruit we now eat was actually edible in the first place. Obviously, this was a trial and error process and probably more than one caveman succumbed to a delicious berry or fruit that was indeed poisonous.
I can see it now. Two guys are walking down a path from their cave. They see a pretty berry dangling from a bush. They wonder if it’s edible. However, if they are wrong, one of them will die.
“Hey Crog, look, berry,” the one says.
“Edible?” the other replies.
“Yeah, delicious. Had one last week,” the first replies, having never once tasted the berry but wondering it if is indeed edible. “Try, you like.”
So Crog downs a handful of berries. A short time later, he is still alive. The berries are edible. A new foodstuff is added to the menu. There’s progress.
If the caveman had been with a woman, they would have gotten into an argument about the berry. Goading doesn’t work with women. His wife would simply say, “You eat berry or you’re not getting any tonight.” And so the husband would risk his life because he really wants to get laid.
Two women… neither would try it. Instead they would bring it home to their men and have them try it. “Look honey, made new pie. Berry pie. Good.” No man in his right mind is going to turn down pies, even if it means he dies.
There is proof throughout history of this theory. Look at Wilbur and Orville Wright. Orville took the first flight only because they flipped for it. But I’m guessing that Wilbur stacked the deck first with a two headed coin. It happened on the moon, too. Do we honestly think Buzz Aldrin really wanted to be the second man on the moon? Of course not. Neil said they’d flip for it right after the mandatory restroom call Houston had on the checklist. While Buzz dutifully dropped his drawers for Step 54A, Neil Armstrong popped the hatch, hopped out and made history.
This happens all the time. It’s how progress is made. Two men and an opportunity. It can be an entirely bad idea, but two men together care not. They will do it.
Now, I’ve tried to keep this pretty simple so far. There’s one other essential element that is needed for true progress in our world to occur. That’s alcohol. The more alcohol shared between two men, the more likely progress is about to happen. Or one of them will die.
This is how the first cliff dive in Acapulco took place. After several Coronas, one guy says to another, “Hey, let’s see if that water down there is deep enough to dive into.” Now, a woman would find a way to measure the depth first. A man does the same thing. Only he uses his buddy as the depth gauge.
“I don’t know,” says the one.
“I did it last week, Manuel. Easy.”
“I still don’t know.”
“Man, you’re such a gallina (chicken). I bet Jose would do it. I’ll go get him.”
And there goes the gauntlet. Manuel is not going to be bettered by Jose. This is another key to progress. Invoke someone else’s name who is even lower in the pecking order and say he’ll do it.
So off Manuel goes, even though his friend never jumped off the cliff. Fortunately, it’s deep enough. And when Manuel climbs back up, his friend, along with everyone else in the bar, is laughing hysterically because he fell for this rouse, again.
And men do fall for it, again and again. Especially when alcohol is involved. Or a woman.
As you know, men love to show off to women. Women aren’t that impressed by it, by the way. But they do like to see men make absolute fools of themselves. Women are much smarter than we are. They wouldn’t do half the stupid things we do every day. Their logic rings in our ears: “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” “You ain’t getting any tonight if you do that.” “If you do that, I’m leaving right now.”
But then, progress demands this of men. Without it, we still wouldn’t know that you can’t stick your tongue on a flagpole when it’s freezing outside. We still wouldn’t know if it was folly to stick a paperclip into a light socket. And we certainly wouldn’t have fire.
Why? Women have far too much common sense to be out in a lightning storm in the first place and they certainly won’t stand by a tree, waiting for a lightning bolt to strike it. They go back to the cave and wait the storm out.
But two guys? You’d high five one another, when a bolt comes really close, extinguish your now burning hair and pick up a still burning twig. With enough alcohol, inevitably one guy would convince the other to light something else on fire, because if there’s anything two guys like to do is play with something that is obviously dangerous. Before you know it, the first fire pit. Not long after that, the first forest fire.
As you can see, my case for this is pretty airtight. Once a guy has a sidekick, progress is made. When a woman has a sidekick, they go to the bathroom together.
Out on the Treasure Coast, on the phone with my friend who is reassuring me that it’s totally safe to lower the dog down on a rope so she can go to the bathroom,
– Robb