I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait until May 20. That, my friends, as you all seem to know, is the day the newest installment of Pirates of the Caribbean makes its way to the big screen.
Finally, perhaps, the world will go back to normal and I won’t continually be bombarded with POTC4 promotions.
For weeks now, I have seen virtually nothing else on Facebook or Twitter except movie trailers, Lego send parodies, movie stills, early reviews and countdowns for the movie. I don’t really care. It’s just a movie. And the last two were pretty much stinkers in my mind. If it weren’t for Penelope Cruz being in this one, I don’t even think I would go see it at all.
Don’t get me wrong. I love pirate movies. I have just about every one that was ever worth watching, including the first Pirates of the Caribbean installment. It was a great lark, and it was tied nicely to the ride at the Disney parks. But I can only watch so many predicaments that Jack finds himself impossibly in. It’s just the same old thing, over and over again. There’s someone after him, there’s a chick who fights with swords, there’s fantasy characters involved, whether its ghost pirates or a squid faced nemesis, there’s the predictable laughs… it just doesn’t work for me.
Don’t believe me about the same old, same old? Check this article out. I think you’ll see my point.
I loved Captain Blood. As much as I like Johnny Depp (in nearly everything), he’s no Errol Flynn. He’s no Burt Lancaster in Crimson Pirate. He’s not even Yul Brynner in The Buccaneer. And certainly he’s no Tyrone Power in The Black Swan, which is not to be confused with Keira Knightley’s movie by the same name. Instead, he’s given a role that isn’t even as meaty as another Disney-esque pirate, Peter Ustinov, who was magnificent in Blackbeard’s Ghost, my favorite Disney pirate film.
I can safely say that as a public relations person, I have to bet that the POTC4 promotions department is peeing its pants right now. They have once again taken a “one joke” movie and caused a media frenzy. Everyone on Facebook is doing their work for them. They don’t have to spend a single dime to promote the movie, making it an even bigger cash cow than the last one.
I really wish they’d make a better pirate movie. If they can’t perhaps the genre itself should slip its cables once more and go back from whence it came. I remember when pirate movies were uproarious failures in the movie theaters. Roman Polanski’s “Pirates” was a mess, a lovable mess, but a mess nonetheless. I was at its debut. I think there were maybe 85 people in the audience and half of them were the Seafair Pirates, whose tickets were comped if we came in costume. I thought Walter Matthau was a hoot, frankly. But it didn’t do well at the box office.
As we all know, Cutthroat Island was the biggest box office failure in history, bankrupting the production company. I liked it. Sure, the plot was a little loose and the explosions unbelievable, but Dawg Brown was the perfect pirate villian. He killed without a second thought, all in pursuit of Morgan and the treasure. He’d best Davy Jones in a duel in under two seconds flat.
I loved Muppet Treasure Island, too. Who doesn’t love the Muppets and who better to play Long John Silver than Tim Curry? He was terrific. Still one of my favorites.
Quite frankly, Pirates of the Caribbean lost me with the whole Tia Dalma is Calpyso thing where she turned into a bunch of crabs. What the hell was that about? Can’t we manage to get through a single Pirates of the Caribbean thing without invoking a mythical or magical character? Geez! All we need now is the Kraken. Oh, sorry, guess they did that one, too.
If you ever noticed, in the old movies they didn’t have to resort to these gimmicks. They had a real story line… good vs. evil, a lustful woman, the pursuit of treasure against all odds and at the end, redemption. And really great lines, like in the Black Swan, when Tommie Blue says, “I’m a better man drunk than sober for any type of work” or when Humble Bellows said he would sell his mother or brother if the price were right in Crimson Pirate. That’s the things a pirate would say, not this muddled, mixed up nonsense I keep hearing coming out of Swallow’s mouth.
I long for the return of a dashing sea captain who is the terror of the seven seas, who drives his foes crazy, not because he’s inept, but because he’s brilliant. Think Admiral Henry Morgan in a Master and Commander type movie with the cat and mouse games between he and the Spanish in the jungles of Panama.
I know I’m in the minority. But this is the first time that I won’t be going to a pirate movie premiere in costume since Roman Polanki’s Pirates in 1986. My heart just isn’t in it. I wish the movie well, and I hear that the fifth installment is already written. Lucky me.
Out on the Treasure Coast, getting my pirate on, but not for this drivel,
– Robb