I am always amazed when the circus comes to town. All the people who want to be president who have a snowball’s chance in hell of becoming our leader. Sometimes I think we should just elect the president the way they choose Miss America. Although the idea of Newt in a swimsuit terrifies me.
I’m pretty sure they could answer the question about world affairs better than the Miss America’s do. Except for Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann. And come to think of it, I don’t really want to see either of them in a swimsuit either.
The coming pool of candidates does cause me to reconsider my own decision not to run for president. I used to think that certain aspects of my life would keep me from seeking the office. I’ve been divorced a couple times, was Catholic, I have quite a few skeletons in my closet, and I have put my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion.
But with the current roster of presidential wannabes, I hardly have to worry about these. I look pretty good next to Newt’s deathbed divorce request and numerous affairs. Mitt is Mormon and we’ve only elected one non-Protestant. Sarah Palin couldn’t make it through half a term as Governor (I have had the same job for 17 years), and Michelle Bachmann makes us all look like Einstein. And of course, there’s Tim Pawlenty, TPal as they call him, which sounds a lot like the cookware I use in my kitchen. No president should ever be confused with cookware.
Since I would be new to the arena, here’s some of my qualifications. First, domestically. I was on welfare for three months after college and on unemployment once for three months. I know these are pretty important programs for normal people who fall through the cracks.
I built my own tank (very Commander in Chief) and have been a pirate captain for 20 years, so I have shown leadership.
I can reduce the size of the White House staff because I know how to cook and can write my own speeches. I would want to keep a Secret Service guy around to taste my food. I don’t always know if I’ve seasoned it enough.
I have learned a lot about being president already. I’ve watched Dave, American President, Wag the Dog and Air Force One. I personally liked Kevin Klein the best as the president. I could be very Kevin Klein.
Of course, there are roadblocks to my presidency. I don’t have a lot of money for a campaign. In fact, I don’t have any money for a campaign. I can build my own website, however, which is more than any of the candidates can do. And unlike some of them, I’ve actually used the Internet.
So, what is my platform? Very good question. Here it is in a nutshell:
- I think we should have a flat tax for anyone whose not at the poverty level. This includes on your income, on your purchases… everything. It is the only fair tax system.
- Get rid of all these silly taxes and tax breaks for the wealthy and corporations. They have enough money already.
- Never allow a CEO to make more than the guy who can push the big red button and end civilization as we know it.
- Ensure that every American is never homeless, hungry or without healthcare. These really seem to be fundamental rights here. How can we ever be the greatest nation on earth when we have children going hungry at night?
- Let a woman and her family decide what’s best for her in terms of reproductive rights. Keep government out of the womb.
- Retrain people who are in dead end industries. Quit teaching people in trade schools to be a builder when we aren’t building anything. Look at the 20 most in-demand jobs every few years and teach these skills.
- Outside of violent crimes, let everyone off the hook for their first mistake. If you get stopped for a DUI or with some pot, go home. Also, make prostitution legal… we waste way too much money arresting Hookers and Johns, which would be a great name for a band, by the way.
- Hold parents accountable for their child’s education. A teacher can’t be effective if the parent’s don’t give diddly-squat about their child’s education. Quit blaming teachers for the failure of parents.
- Get rid of standardized testing. We aren’t all the same. Teachers should teach children according to how they learn best. Celebrate the individual. We aren’t all mindless drones, though the wealthy want us to be.
- Make it a felony when an elected official doesn’t do his job. You were elected to do the people’s bidding, not yours or your deep pocketed friends. Right now all of Congress would be up on charges for allowing the debt ceiling deadline pass.
- Get rid of these silly pensions. If you don’t get it in the private sector (think a non-management level corporate stooge), you don’t get it in a government job. That includes cheap healthcare, rides in private jets and country club memberships.
- Get us out of all these other countries. Close the 460 military bases we have overseas. We need to take care of us first. Make it clear that we will protect our interests. If you attack any American overseas or America itself you will have hell to pay. Period. We don’t like it when other countries interfere with our country. Why do we think it’s OK to screw with them?
- Realize that not every country wants to be a democracy. Democracy can’t be foisted on people. They have to want it. It has to live within them first. Otherwise, it will fail. Just look around at all our failed attempts to date.
- Get rid of the political parties. The two party system is the most divisive force we have in this country. Let a man or woman stand for what they believe in, not for what the power brokers tell them to stand for.
- Quit screwing with the social programs we have. If you want to change Social Security and Medicare, change it for people who are in their 40s, not those who are just 10 years away from programs they were told they were going to get. You can’t get a safety net by then, folks, so everyone in their early 50s are going to get major screwed.
Well, there you have it. I think it’s a pretty good platform. It certainly is better than most of them out there. In fact, I think I will be setting up a presidential exploration committee for my candidacy: Robb Zerr for President, “Put a Pirate in Power.”
Out on the Treasure Coast, painting campaign signs on poster board with leftover Tempera paint I “borrowed” in middle school,
– Robb