I was watching television last night when I noticed the phenomenon again. I was waiting for Glee to start and Scotty McCreery on American Idol was standing next to Ryan Seacrest. And there staring back at me was Scotty’s mammoth sized head.
I only became aware of this when I saw a photo of a former friend. She was standing next to another friend. It would have been a really nice photo, but I couldn’t help but notice that my former friend had a huge head, at least compared to the other girl in the picture. I couldn’t get this out of my mind and I still haven’t been able to shake the vistion of this giant Bobblehead on her shoulders.
I never knew she had such a big head. Well, others had told me that she had a big head, but I thought they meant in an ego sort of way. I didn’t know that they were referring to a Bobblehead kind of big head.
Now, I happen to know that both of these women are equally smart. So the size of the head wasn’t some indicator of superior intelligence. I myself have a fairly normal sized head. And before you guys jump in the gutter, I’m talking about the one that’s on top of my shoulders, not the other one.
As such, I am now fascinated by the different sizes of our heads. It doesn’t seem to relate to anything tangible. I’ve looked at hundreds of heads since online and there’s no consistency here. It’s mystifying. Some seven foot tall basketball players have relatively small heads while a five and half footer has a melon that could win a blue ribbon at the county fair.
I read long ago that a woman only goes into labor when the head will no longer fit between the pelvic bones. This triggers birth. But what about these big headed people. Are they born premature?
I asked my good friend Dr. Hiram S. Burnshocker about this. He’s the one that did all the pioneering research on Peer-Chair Pressure. He had a good head on his shoulders. And more important it was average sized so I would actually listen to what he had to say rather than marvel at his ungainly head.
“So, doctor, why do some people have bigger heads?” I asked him.
“I am glad you asked this question. I have studied this for some time for I too have noticed this very phenomenon. I have conducted numerous inter- and intra-cranial studies on subjects and the results were fascinating.”
I pressed him to go further.
“As I looked deeper into the issue, I started to noticed certain trends.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Well, Robb, for starters there’s absolutely no correlation between head size and intelligence. Some of the biggest heads on earth contain pee brains. What’s more, these people will pretend they are intelligent. They may even convince you of it. I call this the Expedition Paradox.”
“What’s that?”
“I drive a Corolla. I can pack my entire family into it. It’s cozy, but you can fit five people into my car. And it works just fine. When my car went into the shop recently, the rental company lent me a Ford Expedition. There was still five of us, but there was far more space in there, space that was taken up by nothing more than air.
“Just like the Expedition, some people have a lot of air between their ears. Their brain isn’t any bigger. It just enjoys a less cramped ride in life. Hence, the Expedition Paradox.”
I was amazed at how simple this idea was.
“So, what you’re saying is, that the term airhead is really truer than we think it is.”
“Exactly. Your former friend, the Bobblehead, has just as big as a brain as anyone else. It could conceivably even be smaller. It’s just being carried around in a big empty space. You can think of it as a brain the size of a pea, floating around in a cavern of emptiness.”
“Wow, so our term pee brained is just as accurate, eh doc?”
“You could say that is true, Robb. Funny how that works. I may have to study that next.”
I thanked Dr. Burnshocker and got back in my car. As I sat in my Saturn VUE in the parking lot, an Expedition happened to roll by. It came around again and parked next to me. Suddenly, my VUE felt very, very small. In that one moment, I understood the Expedition Paradox.
It still didn’t explain, however, why my former friend acted so superior to me and everyone else she came into contact with.
And then it hit me. It was the Edsel Effect. If you remember the Edsel, it was supposed to be a status symbol. Everyone was supposed to envy an Edsel owner. Everyone would want to have an Edsel. But what those owners ended up with was a turd.
Instead of being a status symbol, the Edsel was ungainly, poorly proportioned, had a lot of wasted space inside and wasn’t a very good ride.
This described my ex-friend, the Bobblehead, perfectly.
Suddenly, it all became crystal clear to me. People with big heads are just all smoke and mirrors. They want you to think they’re special, but there’s really just a lot of empty space inside that head. They’re fun to watch for a while, but then you realize the only thing they can do well is bob their heads up and down. They don’t have anything else to offer you.
Out on the Treasure Coast, wanting to take a tape measure with me wherever I go,
– Robb