I was reading Time magazine this morning. They had an article about how we are hardwired to be delusionally optimistic. Even when the facts run contrary to the moment, we tend to always think of the glass as half full.
The general reasoning is that we have unbridled optimism to keep us alive. If we didn’t, for instance, all the pioneers crossing the prairies and enduring great hardship would have simply offed themselves just outside of Salt Lake City. Instead, they believed that just over the horizon was the promised land
(which definitely was not Salt Lake City).
My female friends can thank Walt Disney for the glass being the rest of the way full. That’s because Walt and the whole Disney fantasy making machine has put nonsense into your head. Entertaining nonsense, but nonsense just the same.
And it’s not your fault. Walt knew a money maker when he saw one. He knew women would love his take on fairy tales, which all follow the same general plot line. And, while the plot line varies ever so slightly, each of these epic story lines plays out the same: Innocent girl betrayed by evil force is rescued by prince, lives happily ever.
In mathematical terms this is expressed as: D + 1E x B = Pr
Don’t believe me?
Here we go:
Snow White poisoned with apple by Evil Queen, resuscitated by a kiss from Prince Charming.
Ariel (Little Mermaid) gives up voice to Ursula so she can have feet and is rescued by Prince Eric.
Indentured Cinderella is betrayed by wicked stepmother, loses shoe, Prince finds shoe and marries her.
Before I go on, a little tidbit for my geekier friends. There’s actually a classification system for fairy tales categorizing 2,500 different plot lines. Cinderella is a 510A, your basic persecuted heroine. It’s known as the Aarne-Thompson classification system.
Now, I know there are recent variations on this theme. The Disney folks aren’t stupid and added some liberated heroines who need a dominant male in their life about as much as they need an alimony payment. But the evolution of fairy tales, some which go back to ancient Greece, is on my side on this.
Over the decades I have avoided these as date movies. The reason is simple. I don’t want to look that bad to a date. There we are, watching the movie. The damsel is in distress, all is hopeless, then that damned handsome prince waltzes in from out of nowhere, takes her by the hand and off they go into happily ever after land. By the time the movie is over, my date knows that I’m no Prince Charming. None of us are.
We go into the movie looking pretty good. We may have even showered for our date. And then, as the movie goes on, we start to look worse and worse. We pale in comparison to the handsome, dashing prince. We don’t have a castle. We work at Wal-Mart. We don’t have a carriage. We drive a 10 year old minivan left over from the divorce. There’s not a single singing creature in our abode, only a dog with a nervous bladder who showed his displeasure about you going on the date by taking a dump at the doorway.
Princes never seem to fart unexpectedly or get caught momentarily scratching their crotch. They don’t have Prince friends who drink too much and tell your date all about your escapades with other damsels. They never utter a single swear word and never seem to have had a bad day at the castle. They have blindingly white smiles that never seem to have a piece of parsley stuck in it after dinner. In fact, they don’t hardly ever eat. As such, I would suspect they never had to use the restroom or left it a bit stinky.
You know that the Prince never kicks his feet up on the coffee table to enjoy a game on TV. He’s too busy being perfect. He doesn’t even have to take riding lessons. He was obviously born in the saddle. Forget the singing lessons, too. He has perfect pitch.
I’m pretty sure the Prince never sleeps either. How many times have you ever seen him sleep, even if the story takes place over the course of weeks. Snow White took a nap, even though it took a poisoned apple to get her to get some shut eye. In Shrek, Fiona was asleep, too. The girls always seem to be sleeping.
Now, I’m not angry about all this. I just thought women should know that all the men in this world have been set up by Walt Disney. He has made us magnificent in your eyes when we’re just a bunch of high-fiving, beer guzzling, sports loving, often inconsiderate and forgetful, sometimes unapologetic creatures that are just a couple of evolutionary steps from the ponds our ancestors crawled out of. We’re hardly Princes. And I think most of us are happy being that way.
When my daugther started dating, I used to give her this piece of advice. “All men are junk. Just expect them to be. If they’re not, even momentarily, enjoy that moment for all its worth. Just know that they will become junk once again.”
And if they suddenly become thoughtful and attentive, they’re either cheating on you or they’re actually gay.”
Out on the Treasure Coast, wondering if I should have ever dated someone who idolized the Evil Queen from Snow White,
– Robb