I profess a great love of Mexican food. Whether it’s the real stuff in Mexico (which is very different than what we consider Mexican) or pseudo-Mexican in the states, I will choose Mexican over any other dining option, except perhaps, Italian. Now, I will not put Taco Bell anywhere on the list of being even close to Mexican, so we’ll just leave it out of the discussion. Unless it’s 2 a.m. after an all-night bender, that is.
There’s a reason why I love Mexican food. While other cuisines demand hundreds of ingredients to create a full menu, Mexican food consists of the following basic ingredients:
A meat or seafood
Tortillas
Lettuce
Tomatoes
Sour Cream
Guacamole
Beans
Salsa
Sauce
Rice
Onions
Peppers
Chilis
And of course, the ever present cheese.
I would argue that Margaritas are another staple of all Mexican food, but since it’s a liquid, I will leave it off the list for now.
From these 13 ingredients you can make almost everything in a Mexican restaurant. Don’t believe me? Think about the menu of your average family owned restaurant. You have the basics: Tacos, tostadas, burritos, fajitas, taco salads, chimichangas and chalupas.
Some Mexican restaurants try to add in other menu items. But I am not fooled. I will tell you right now that Deep Fried Mozzarella is definitely not Mexican. Even Italians won’t claim it as theirs. I will accept that liver and onions is a traditional Spanish meal but I have never seen an American of Hispanic order it. If they gave it a really cool name like Rice and Chicken (Arroz con Pollo), then perhaps more people would order liver and onions, even if they didn’t know what it was. But I don’t think most people say to themselves, “Hey I really have a craving for liver and onions tonight. Let’s go out to a Mexican restaurant.”
Instead, most Mexican menu items are of what I call the Chimiluparitotada variety. This is a variation of a chimichanga, chalupa, burrito and tostada.
Here’s how this plays out.
A taco is a deep friend corn tortilla that is bent into the shape of a pocket. In it you stuff ground beef or fish, lettuce, tomato and shredded cheese. If you were to order a tostada, it’s the same damned thing, only they don’t bend the tortilla. If you want a burrito, put a meat, cheese, and rice into a flour tortilla roll it up and voila! – burrito. Put the burrito in a deep fryer and you have a chalupa, which is basically a tostada on a deep fried flour tortilla. See how it’s all one incestuous family?
You could even say you’re going to break away from the mold and go with a salad. Of course, a basic taco salad on a plate is just a big taco without the corn tortilla. If you go northern style they put it into a tortilla bowl. If you order a caesar salad instead, you have to ask yourself what the hell you’re doing eating at a Mexican restaurant in the first place. The same could be said if you ordered a hamburger.
Now, they may make the best hamburger in the world, but you really still shouldn’t order it there. Get it to go instead, if you must. I learned this valuable lesson years ago at 13 Coins in Seattle. It’s a very nice place to eat. They have lots of great menu items, including my favorite, manicotti. But the first time I went there, I wanted a burger. They make a great burger, mind you, but I was told by my girlfriend at the time that in nor uncertain terms, no one orders a hamburger at 13 Coins. I might as well have gone to McDonalds and saved some money.
Money, of course, brings me to the other oddity of Mexican restaurants. Even though virtually everything on the menu is made of the same 13 items, and people will spend hours going over the menu options, the prices are all different. A chimichanga can be less expensive than a burrito, even though it requires the extra step of deep frying. Conversely, a tostada may cost more than two tacos, even though they are the same. Worse, you see the Combo platters. One option is a platter that has two tacos and a tostada, which is basically three tacos, the cook in the back was just too lazy to fold the third one.
One of my favorite items is fajitas. Who doesn’t love a steak or shrimp fajita, served up on a sizzling platter of grilled onions, peppers, some salsa or picadillo and flour or corn tortillas? I have ordered it only once. I know, it’s my favorite, but I only ordered it once. Why, you ask? The answer is simple.
A fajita always costs more than a burrito. Yet, it’s basically an unassembled burrito, or a couple of burritos. They charge you more for it, but you have to do all the final assembly work. What am I paying the line cook to do back there? Why don’t they just send me a taco out as a kit and charge me more for it too? Plus, they always cheat you on the tortillas. Out comes that big tortilla warmer. You open it, and there’s just four little tortillas. They know this, of course, and will quickly come around to your table after you get your food, ask you if there’s anything else you need, then disappear for the rest of the meal. They won’t come around again to ask if you need more tortillas. So you end up with tons of fajita filling and nothing to put it in.
That by the way, is why they invented margaritas. I have found over the years that servers can’t resist coming back to your table to see if you want another margarita. The trick is to time it with the assembly of the fourth tortilla. They will return, saying, “Another margarita, senior?” And I will say, “Yes, please……… and some more tortillas.” I can see the server cursing me in Spanish. I’m sure they are taking those extra tortillas out of her check. Either that or they’re making her eat the liver and onions during her dinner break.
Out on the Treasure Coast, craving a Fajichangachilada,
— Roberto