I wrote a few days ago about my first wedding. It didn’t go so well. Not only the wedding, but the marriage. I guess the wedding itself should have been a good indicator that the actual marriage would go to hell in a hand basket, but when you’re young, you still believe in that “happily ever after” stuff.
O.K., so I still do believe in that. I certainly did 10 years after the end of my first marriage. I had met someone that captured my heart. Yes, Parker’s mom. It was a whirlwind romance to say the least. We started to date in August and were married in January the following year.
We were so excited. We thought our friends would be too. We invited them all to come to Vegas with us to watch us get hitched. The Treasure Island Resort had recently opened and we were going to be the first couple to get married in pirate costume there.
Both being gainfully unemployed, we couldn’t afford to stay at Treasure Island though. Instead, we stayed across the street at the Imperial Palace. We had spent all our money, what money we had, on the rings and the ceremony.
Parker’s mom and I were pretty intoxicated by the whole idea, well that and the free booze we would get when we played the slots. It was like we were getting married for the first time, we were so giddy.
Since the marriage license office is open 24 hours a day there, we didn’t bother getting the license until 2 in the morning. I have never been quite sure we were legally married because they asked us questions I don’t really know the answer to, at least I didn’t know back then. Like where my father had been born or the birth date of my mother. Parker’s mom had just as many problems with this line of questioning. I still don’t know if answering the questions wrong mean you flunked the marriage exam. But we must have done pretty well because they gave us a marriage license.
The next morning, we popped up bright and early and decided it was time to go for a little adventure, just the two of us. This was before they had the monorail running up and down the boulevard so we struck out on foot.
As most of my friends will tell you, I never think anything is too far away to walk to. I mean, I could see the MGM Grand and Luxor just down the way. How far could it really be?
Far. Really far. OMG far. By the time we made it down to the Luxor we were exhausted, and we still had to get married that afternoon. True to form, Parker’s mom solved the problem, hailing a taxi on the way back. Oh, the lessons learned from a smart woman.
By the time we finally got back, the wedding was just a couple hours away. We got into our pirate garb that we had rented, since we didn’t think any of the stuff we owned was fancy enough to wear.
The ceremony itself was beautiful. We initially thought it was going to suck because the parson was the prison chaplain. And no, no jokes about that being an appropriate person to officiate at a marriage.
As we turned to be officially announced as Mr. and Mrs. Zerr, we greeted the guests, all two of them. The only people to come to the wedding were the parents of Parker’s mom. All of our so-called “friends” didn’t bother to come.
This time, the warning sign wasn’t that I shouldn’t have gotten married, only that I should have gotten better friends. I had mistakenly believed that my fellow pirates and wenches were really dear friends, but they weren’t. It had nothing to do with coming to the wedding; it was their general lack of support for the whole relationship thing we were now engaged in.
No matter. I was by now in full pirate mode. It didn’t matter that we were pretty much on our own. We went downstairs to the casino and started gambling. The security guys were getting pretty freaked out. I could see them whispering into their coat sleeves and getting instructions. The gambling gods cleared us since we had just been married there. Otherwise, they frown on that sort of thing. They gave us the run of the casino and the hotel.
We heard the cannon fire outside and went out to see the battle. It was way better when there were the British on one side and pirates on the other. The whole titty show they got going on now just doesn’t cut it for me.
Of course, everyone thought we were part of the show and I just played right along, posing for photos.
Time for dinner. My new in-laws were treating us to dinner in The Library, the nicest restaurant they had at the resort. On the way there, I happened upon some Japanese tourists. They couldn’t speak a lick of English but I could see them making the international sign of wanting a photo. I dove right in. Parker’s mom turned to see where I had gone and she jumped right in, leaving her parents alone and momentarily bewildered.
As seems to be tradition, there was no honeymoon that night. Thanks to my “oh, it’s not too far away” adventure, we were both too exhausted to get frisky.
Such is life. So, to those who knew me at a later time, Florida wasn’t the first pirate marriage, but it will be the last. I think I can safely say I’ve been there and done that. And while you won’t see me in a tux anytime soon (once was enough, and no, it was not worn at a wedding), I have hung up the piratical marriage togs and will go civilian next time.
Next time, you say? Perhaps. As I said, I do believe in “happily ever after.” And I like getting presents.
In the Emerald City, wondering if I only got married for the cake,
– Robb