RobZerrvations
Musings from a Meandering, Mischievous Mind
Born For Porn?
I want to be upfront here and state that I am not by any stretch a prude. I enjoy the sexual side of life and think that we as a society are mostly messed up because we suppress all the natural urges that are fundamental to our very existence, thanks to those damned Puritans. As we all know, none of us would be around if two horny people (our parents) decided to get it on one night. It you're thinking about your own parents doing the horizontal mambo right now and cringing in disgust, don't...
Oh, Oh, They Know We Know.
Congress has to be shaking in its boots this past week. It seems that they can't just do anything they want after all. At least not when the public gets wind of what they are up to. As we all know SOPA, or the Stop Online Piracy Act, was shit canned this week. This did not make its sponsors or the powerful lobbyists, especially those representing the Motion Picture Industry of America, American Federation of Musicians, the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists, the Directors...
The Sunday Fool.
It may be hard to believe, but I was once a good little Catholic boy. In my youth, I would even come home from church and perform Mass. I had a small book that had all the Latin prayers and passages, and I would lay a bathroom towel over the organ bench, make communion wafers with Wonder Bread and the rim of an Alka Seltzer bottle as the die and conduct High Mass. I know, really dorky. With all that love of church you'd assume I would have become a priest. And yet, I am about the farthest from...
They’re All A Bunch Of Space Cadets.
I have been a space nut since I was a little boy. I think the Gemini missions were the first ones I remembered. My mom used to even let us stay home to watch the major milestones, such as the first walk in space or the rendezvous between Geminis 6 & 7. My mom figured it was far better to watch history being made than to learn about it after the fact in a book. She was right. Like the rest of the world, I watched in awe as Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon in July 1969 and watched in...
No Soul Mate For You!
God's a pretty busy guy, it seems. For weeks now, he was doing the miracle thing with the new messiah, Tim Tebow, and then drunk dialing Rick Santorum. And now it comes to light (obviously a devine one) that he's the mastermind of a website that matches Christians with their soul mates. I know. I was quite shocked when I learned of this, too. While God is indeed omnipotent, he also appears to be something of an entrepreneur. It seems that, while handling famines, wars, typhoons and the...
Too Soft. Too Hard. This One’s Just Right.
Over the many years I have called earth my home, I have lived many places. I think according to a recent RobZerrvation, I have lived in more than 20 different homes, apartments and condos over the years. Amazingly enough, I have never gone bed shopping. That's not to say that I haven't slept in some fabulous beds - Tempur-Pedic, Sleep Number, Sealy, Simmons - I've just never owned one. This fact only occurred to me a few days ago when the subject of bed shopping came up. I remarked to a friend...
I’ll Have The Squirrel With A Side Of Hazelnuts.
When I was growing up, we had tons of squirrels in the yard. I never cared for them, for they ate all the hazelnuts in the trees that bordered the wooded part of the yard. They would flit from one branch to another all day long, sucking down the hazelnuts. We didn't really know you could eat hazelnuts. I certainly didn't know that they could be used to make rum. I was just a kid, and my rum swilling days were still a long ways into the future. Hazelnuts did, however, make great weapons. When...
Just Bury Me At Sea.
I have done some pretty odd things in my life, all in an effort to have a relationship with a woman. I have learned to snowmobile, cross country ski, snow ski... the list goes on. But I have say that coming close to drowning takes the cake. As we all know, I'm no lover of water, at least any water that is above my waist. That drowning brother thing can really play havoc with your psyche. I admit that I'm not even really fond of bathtubs of water, let alone large bodies of water that will...
Hey Rick. It’s Me, God.
The Internet is an amazing tool for researchers who know how to find what they are looking for. With the presidential elections beginning to heat up, I thought I should do a little legwork myself to figure out who the players are. I know who Willard and Newton Leroy are (those would be Mitt and Newt's real names), but I was having trouble with a few others. Frankly, I was a bit relieved when I finally figured out who Ron Paul is. I initially got him confused with RuPaul. I thought he was just...
Crushed Like A Grape.
A couple days ago I wrote about my broken heart caused by a cheerleader. She was not my first broken heart. Nor was the Hermiston Watermelon my first. No, I have to go all the way back to kindergarten for that. I know that most boys don't take any interest in girls until puberty rolls around the bend. But I don't remember a time when I didn't have a thing for little girls. Before you start laughing, I was a little boy when I liked little girls. And now that I'm a grown man, I refuse to date...
McBrain Damaged.
I find myself in an odd predicament. The guy who loves to swim against the tides of public opinion and follow his own just rules has found himself among the majority of Americans. Not just once, but twice. In the first instance, it seems I missed being in the minority by quite a bit. I am not even close to being the 1% in this country. I am somewhere in the 99% of those who are pissed off at the wealthy and a Congress that could care less about any of us or our respective plights. I figure...
Am I The Only One With A Crystal Ball?
At times, I feel like I'm the only one on this earth that can look down the road and see what's coming up in our country. Oddly, this is not a RobZerrvation on our economy, gun control, immigration or any other politically charged subject, well, at least not directly. Rather, it's about the Boomers. Yes, those offspring of over amorous soldiers of World War II who came home and created an unprecedented swell of humanity between 1946 and 1964. During that time, about 78 million children came...